A Letter from the In-Between
I’m not actively suicidal. I used to be.
Today, I’m “just” sad.
I go about the tasks of my day. I shower. I do laundry. I go to school; I am top of my class. I told all this to a friend. She reminded me that Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain were pretty badass as well.
I’m not actively suicidal.
I tell people I’m unhappy.
“What do you have to be unhappy about?”
I tell people I’m sad.
They ask if I’m in therapy.
I tell people I’m lonely.
They tell me I should get a hobby.
I wish it could be a hobby to be sad and also surrounded by your friends.
I’m not actively suicidal.
I’m not actively suicidal, but I’m realizing this is the beginning. This is the in-between stage; this is where it starts. This is what it looks like when someone is crying out in pain and the entire world tells her: “You’re strong; you’re fine…Simply because I’ve decided you’re not allowed to be anything else.”
I’m not actively suicidal. I don’t want to stop breathing. But this life I have right now–it doesn’t feel like living.
I will wake up tomorrow. I will eat and bathe and go to school. I will smile at people. I will laugh. This doesn’t mean I’m okay. This doesn’t mean I’m “strong.” It only means I’m functioning. A robot could do just as easily.
I’m not actively suicidal. I don’t want to be. Please help me.
Please, help me.
Originally published on 28 July 2018 at https://adrianjameshernandez.com. I have since found help and am no longer in any danger.
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Miranda Hernandez is a writer and mother to two children: Adrian James, who was stillborn at term, and his living sister, “Peanut”. Miranda writes about stillbirth, mental health, and the normalization of grief at https://adrianjameshernandez.com.
