Miranda holding her shoulders and looking out on a gloomy afternoon
(Synch Media)

I’m not actively suicidal. I used to be.

Today, I’m “just” sad.

I go about the tasks of my day. I shower. I do laundry. I go to school; I am top of my class. I told all this to a friend. She reminded me that Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain were pretty badass as well.

I’m not actively suicidal.

I tell people I’m unhappy.

“What do you have to be unhappy about?”

I tell people I’m sad.

They ask if I’m in therapy.

I tell people I’m lonely.

They tell me I should get a hobby.

I wish it could be a hobby to be sad and also surrounded by your friends.

I’m not actively suicidal.

I’m not actively suicidal, but I’m realizing this is the beginning. This is the in-between stage; this is where it starts. This is what it looks like when someone is crying out in pain and the entire world tells her: “You’re strong; you’re fine…Simply because I’ve decided you’re not allowed to be anything else.”

I’m not actively suicidal. I don’t want to stop breathing. But this life I have right now–it doesn’t feel like living.

I will wake up tomorrow. I will eat and bathe and go to school. I will smile at people. I will laugh. This doesn’t mean I’m okay. This doesn’t mean I’m “strong.” It only means I’m functioning. A robot could do just as easily.

I’m not actively suicidal. I don’t want to be. Please help me.

Please, help me.

Originally published on 28 July 2018 at https://adrianjameshernandez.com. I have since found help and am no longer in any danger.

~

Miranda Hernandez is a writer and mother to two children: Adrian James, who was stillborn at term, and his living sister, “Peanut”. Miranda writes about stillbirth, mental health, and the normalization of grief at https://adrianjameshernandez.com.

Writer; Mother; Everything in Between

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